Bernie Sanders Calls for Phone Reform

Washington, D.C.– America: land of the free? Not according to Bernie Sanders (I-VT). In a statement today Senator Sanders stated, “Look… we live in the most wealthy nation on Earth, and there are still Americans out there who, you know, can’t check social media or stay in touch on Snapchat, and I think what we need to do is […] move towards a more equitable system of phone distribution.”


Sanders cited figures that indicate that there are still Americans of middle to low income using Android cell phones. The report shocked leftists across the country.


“Look you got socialism and you got capitalism” said Cenk Uygur of The Young Turks “and if we and democratic socialism we’d have cell phones, right? Of course!”


Apple’s iPhone currently owns 34% of the market, a figure Sanders cited as “appalling” and “disappointing” for the richest nation on Earth.


Boyd Maynard, Professor of Sociology at UCLA, explains this shocking phenomenon:


“Current power structures and paradigms in our society block access of many bodies in our communities to basic necessities such as communications and social networking technology, one example of such a necessity being a cellular mobile phone”


Maynard continued to explain the racial components of iPhones


“Apple intentionally sells multiple colors of iPhones to try and dissuade POCs and other marginalized peoples from seeing the iPhone as ‘one device for all’. This is almost certainly due to inherent unconscious bias not only permeating Apple as a patriarchal institution of global capitalism, but society at large”.


Wow, who knew how racist Apple was?


“We need to be clear: this is about race.” Sanders spokesperson Des Dolph said in an interview on MSNBC today. “The white ruling class of this country appears to believe that having an Android phone is some sort of joke”


Glenn Beck, owner of conservative media outlet TheBlaze, said in a statement today “First there was the Obama phone. Now the Bernie phone. When does it end?”


“Look, I’ve used an Android phone myself” said Sanders “and I have to say, I am disappointed in the Democratic Party for not bringing this issue to light. I know there are many people across this country who voted for Donald Trump specifically because they did not have affordable access to phones that aren’t piece of shit Androids”.

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