CNN Promises “At Least 2 More Hot Anchors”

Atlanta, Georgia –  Several days ago, President Donald Trump tweeted a short video of himself brutally attempting to murder a man with a CNN head (warning: graphic).  Following this, CNN obtained the identity of the online user who had created the video.  Now, CNN is receiving public backlash at the threat of releasing the personal information of the user.

In response to this, CNN has taken the bold stance of promising, at minimum, two more hot anchors for daytime news programming.  This progressive step also helps to bring gender parity into balance at CNN.

“We deeply regret the animosity this has generated”, Jeff Zucker said in a statement today.  “In response, our company is committed to adding at least two more hot anchors — at least Brooke Baldwin hot — and we will probably replace Brian Stelter.”

Fearing cries of misogyny, CNN is also considering hiring another attractive gay man to co-host with Anderson Cooper during prime time. Experts expect their interactions to be both professional and fabulous.

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