ICE To Purchase New B-52 Bombers to Combat Illegal Immigration
WASHINGTON, D.C. – One of Donald Trump’s primary campaign promises was to curb illegal immigration and institute stricter border security. His infamous “wall” was a cornerstone of his Presidential campaign, in stark contrast to Hillary Clinton’s “Stronger Together” message.
The Trump campaign has faced many challenges in trying to implement this new policy, and now in a new step to try and increase border security, the President has authorized the Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency to purchase 35 new B-52 bombers from Boeing.
“What we need is ‘shock and awe’” the President said in a memo released today. The President believes the situation has reached such serious proportions that carpet bombing of the Mexican border – on both sides – is the only solution to the problem. The President is also reportedly considering full scale military action in New Mexico, hoping to avoid the problem of any “new Mexicans before the old are dealt with”.
“We need law and order”, the President responded when asked about possible civilian causalities, “I don’t do civilian causalities. It’s never happened. You can’t find one instance of me doing civilian casualties”. CRP can confirm that no evidence of the President murdering civilians exists.
The bombing campaign is set to “turn MS-13 into MS-0”, and change Calexico into, “just Cal”. Military experts have estimated the ordnance that must be dropped to meet the President’s expectations will reach high levels, including “Biblical”. Many politicians on both the left and the right have condemned this move by the President, claiming that militarization of police and homeland security agencies has already gone too far. Many are also worried about rumors that President Trump is considering giving ICE white phosphorus munitions as well as nuclear weapons.
Secretary of Defense James Mattis was busy on a seven day meditative warrior retreat and could not be reached for comment.