Report: Hillary Clinton Losing Faith in Satan
Washington, D.C. – According to reliable sources within the Democratic Party, Hillary Clinton appears to be turning to atheism after “losing her faith in the dark master” following her crippling loss in the 2016 presidential election to a reality television show star.
Hillary Clinton has been sighted on the road and in public carrying a copy of “The God Delusion” by Richard Dawkins and muttering to herself.
Clinton has reportedly not attended a blood sacrifice for two weeks after losing the election. Sources claim that former campaign official John Podesta is “very worried” and “also questioning, in honesty”.
This has come as a shock to many inside the D.C. Beltway. A spokesperson for the Comet Ping Pong Pizzeria reached out to CRP to help clear up this confusing and shocking story.
“She’s just confused” said Imen Desi, spokesperson for the Illuminati. “Many people at this age begin to question their faith. Sometimes we feel like our dark master Satan isn’t listening or that he doesn’t exist”.
“It’s important to remember that he has a plan for each of us. She knows she always has a home here when she’s ready to return to the faith.”
Representative Tulsi Gabard (D-HI) commented today saying “These politicians are bat shit crazy” and “I want nothing to do with this sick shit”.
Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) was also overheard today saying “this is why we need to burn this place down”.
DNC chair Tom Perez released and official statement on behalf of the party today saying “We tolerate all religions within the Democratic Party, including those that grant us the blood drawn power of the dark Anti-Christ which gives us the supremacy of a million meager mortals.”
The Church of Satan released a press statement today saying, “We want nothing to do with Hillary Clinton or the Democratic Party.”