Mattis Requests Improved Bomb Technology

Washington, D.C. – Secretary of Defense James Mattis has been extremely active in his first few months on the job.  President Trump has already tapped Mattis for a number of significant military decisions, and shows no sign of slowing down.

Currently, the United States stands ready to respond to North Korean aggression in the Pacific, Iranian hostility in the Middle East, as well as Russian belligerence.  Not to mention the continued global fight against Islamic terror.

With the recent historic first conventional use of the Mother Of All Bombs (MOAB) in Afghanistan, “Mad Dog” seems ready to be let off the leash.

CRP informants working deep inside the Pentagon have overheard Mattis expressing a desire to develop a new bomb to be used specifically against the Islamic State in Syria.  He was heard stating, “The MOAB is too expensive to mass produce.  Let’s utilize the Russian technology and create a more efficient device”.

CRP believes that the “Russian technology” that Mattis references is the Father Of All Bombs (FOAB), capable of delivering a blast equivalent to 44 tons of TNT.

MOAB (top), FOAB (bottom)


We reached out to former DoD Explosive Technician, Mark Gasher, for further insight.

“If the United States is able to create a FOAB, perhaps it would be able to introduce it to the MOAB and foster a loving relationship.  Assuming that both the FOAB and MOAB consent as willing participants, a new bomb may be conceived”.

This method of weapons development and manufacture has yet to be tested and the details remain blurry.

“It’s unknown if the MOAB will ‘like-like’ the FOAB or just ‘like’ him.  Perhaps, she will reject him altogether and we will be left to try and reconcile a mere friendship.  Best case scenario is an amicable ‘friends-with-benefits’ situation which eventually results with a bomb-offspring.  This is what we call the Baby Of All Bombs (BOAB)”.

Gasher told CRP that the BOAB would likely produce roughly 10% of the explosive power of the parent bombs, but would be able to penetrate the cavernous tunnel systems utilized by fighters in Syria and Iraq.

Private defense manufacturers have reportedly already reached out to the DoD requesting a contract for the creation of the BOAB.



1 Comment
  • Mattis Requests Improved Bomb Technology | Robert Haycraft
    7 May 2017 at 8:48 PM -

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