Russia Investigation Pursues “Unknown Unknowns”
Washington, D.C. – The drama (or lack there of) in the Trump-Russia probe continues. Investigators from intelligence agencies within the federal government have exhausted almost every lead attempting to find the proof of the well known fact of Trump’s cooperation with the Russian government.
“We’ve exhausted the knowns” said one of the investigators, who remained anonymous. “We looked at all the transcripts, phone calls, everything we could. We asked the President and his cabinet…” The investigator went on to describe countless hours of sifting through meta data and different leads.
“We explore the known unknowns – things we know we don’t know”. According to top CIA officials this included wiretapping the President’s phone, investigating his personal emails, and more. This included investigations into how many times Barron Trump played as the Russians in Call of Duty – but still nothing!
“So now what’s left […] are what we term unknown unknowns – things we don’t know that we don’t know.”
The official claims the phrase was derived from Sun Tzu’s – The Art of War. He explained how, at this level of analysis – all investigative avenues must be considered. Investigators are currently teaming up with NASA to investigate possible Russian mind control technology on the moon, which may have been used to control the free will of voters all across the US on election day. Additionally, the CIA is proposing a “Ban on Anime” – concerned that Russian FSB, utilizing the popular cartoon medium – may also have brainwashed voters into supporting Donald Trump.
Shortly after this report, the CIA official we spoke with departed for the Vatican to meet with Catholic Priests to analyze possible interference by Satan. NASA officials are also not ruling out possible interference by Emperor Palpatine and the dark side of the force. Only one fact is certain – Trump colluded with Russia.