Scientists Have Finally Agreed On the Ideal Male Body
New York, NY – Researchers at Columbia University believe that they have finally discovered the perfect male physique. The study lasted a total of two years, observing a wide variety of male figures. Willing participants performed several tests to examine kinetic movement, structural integrity, and overall nutritional health. After hundreds of trials, the analysts were underwhelmed with the results. Not a single individual was able to register the numbers necessary to warrant perfection. That was until a seemingly portly 54-year old man walked on to Columbia’s campus. New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie, was wandering the streets of New York “looking for a decent chili dog” when he unknowingly entered Columbia’s Medical Testing Facility.
“We saw the Governor in a skin-tight Armani blazer and knew that he was the one. We offered him a snack-pack chocolate pudding and a handful of frozen pizza bagels from our break room, and he enthusiastically agreed”, said Lead Researcher, Dr. Johannes Klingberg.
According to Dr. Klingberg, Governor Christie outperformed the previous subjects in every category. He ran faster, jumped higher, and exemplified peak human performance.