AG Jeff Sessions to Harness ‘Luck O’ The Irish’ While Under Oath
Washington, D.C. – Attorney General Jeff Sessions has agreed to answer questions Tuesday before the Senate Intelligence Committee in the probe of Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential race. Last week, former FBI Director James Comey testified before the Committee and revealed his belief that he was fired by President Trump because of the ongoing Russian investigation. Senate Democrats are eagerly attempting to uncover more information.
Sessions, will call on the ancient powers of his Irish ancestors in an attempt to protect himself during the hearing. As a practicing Celtic Wiccan, the Attorney General understands the unrelenting power of mystical dark-magic. Monday night, Sessions will sacrifice a new-born calf in the depths of the D.C. metropolitan area. If successful, the ritual will grant Sessions the wisdom and luck of the mythical leprechaun; a creature that is prevalent in Irish folklore.
Sessions will then take on the physical characteristics of the woodland sprite. Most notably, a soft round face pronounced by large pointed ears.